Today is Day 7 in the “Two Week Did This Fucking IVF Thing Work” step. After two months of daily intensive medical intervention, it’s been pretty darn weird to just… wait. Well, of course there’s still the fact that I’m taking progesterone AND estrogen daily (which has randomly caused some weight gain…). But- there’s no blood work and ultrasounds, no nightly triple injections. No big procedures looming ahead.
I’m trying to be fairly realistic about this- our chances that this ridiculously stressful and medically charged 8000$ process was successful are 55-65%.
That said- “realistically” I’m thinking about the fact that I may be pregnant or I may NOT be ALL THE TIME. This Sunday we had a bit of a snafu where I discovered some spotting. Oh it was minor, a bit of pinkish tinge and a TINY clot. But I literally broke down into tears, googled frantically and stuffed my face with ice cream bars. Spotting is never a “good” thing nor is it even really an expected part of IVF. Oh it happens, and I could still be preggers, (the clinic feels it’s likely cervical and not uterine, often caused by the progesterone irritating the cervix), but it served as a very real reminder that no, in fact, I am NOT going to be okay if this didn’t work.
And why should I be? For the past six months my body has gone through 1.5 cycles of IVF and literally almost 3 months of intense hormones and two very awful procedures that has put a financial strain in our lives. The thought of having to go through even part of that all over again is exhausting and crushing. (What if it never works??).
An interesting part of this waiting game is my “Vinyasa Yoga Break” that I’ve had for the past week and a half. I didn’t realize just how much I would miss and crave movement based yoga. Yesterday during my very slow and gentle cat-cows I caught myself wistfully imagining how my body would feel if I were in downward dog. Yin yoga, although helpful in it’s way, definitely isn’t filling the need for my old grounding and exhilarating yoga practice.
At least I know that next Tuesday, regardless of the outcome of that blood test, my Vinyasa Yoga practice will be waiting.